The end in sight, but still so far away

Today is TOUGH. I received travel plans the same as the rest of my district that indicated I'd be leaving the same time as them (how many ways can you say BLESSINGS?)! I tried not to get my hopes up, and told myself they were a mistake, but everyone we talked to said "trust the travel plans" and so I went ahead and got all thrilled about it. For 4 days I was thrilled about it. Sure enough, the travel office hadn't got the update that I'd be staying later, and so the plans were according to the old schedule. So then I had to re-find out that I'd be here later, which is worse than just finding out once.

Yesterday my whole district left, minus me. I'm a wreck. I love the MTC, but today I'm realizing what I love most about it is the people here, and now they're all gone. Before they left, we took a kadrillion pictures and they each wrote me a message in my journal, so at night when I couldn't sleep I sat and looked through them all and cried. The goodbyes were rough. There was not a single dry eye in my district. And obviously if I'd been leaving then too it still would have been sad, but I would have been so excited and nervous that I would have a lot more to think about then me being alone. Now I'm officially the only Cambodian speaker in the entire MTC. It's cool to think about, but it's mostly lonely. And it means I don't have anyone to practice with. I wish I had class all the time because then I'd be with a teacher and forced to talk and study and learn and worry about a fake investigator. But I only have class for a few hours each day, and the rest of the time it's just personal study (even when it's scheduled as companionship study, additional study, or language study, for me it's still personal study). Now all I have to think about is the 'solo' sister sticker on my name tag and what it says about how I feel right now. I was blessed with the most amazing district. We were the only Cambodian speaking district in the entire MTC for most of our time here, which means we really were never apart. And on preparation days when there's a little more freedom in your schedule, we always chose to spend it together anyway. And now all of a sudden I'm without a companion, a district, any class members. All I feel like doing is sitting and reminiscing, but I need now more than ever to focus and push forward.  I've been moved to room with the New Thais, because they're in my same branch. They live on a different floor and have class in a different building and so I haven't really had the chance to get to know them besides church on Sunday. They're great people and really nice to me. But they've only been here a few weeks and so I almost feel like I'm back where I was at week 3, despite the fact that I've learned and grown and come so far in the past 6 weeks. I just feel done here and I want to leave so bad, but I'm determined to finish strong and make this my most obedient, diligent, spiritual week yet. Please pray for me to be able to do so, and to also feel happy this week.

Here's some interesting things about Cambodian/Khmer:

the point of the language is designed to look completely uniform. So when you write a sentence, it looks like the same pattern over and over again. This makes it difficult to read and write, because there are 108 letters in the alphabet, but they all look super similar.

The word for repentance means "to turn your heart".

The word for sidewalk curbs means "the eyebrows of the road".

We found a language here that actually looks a lot like Khmer- it's called Georgian, and only a small group of missionaries who are called to Georgia (the country) are learning it.

You can see and hear what Khmer is like on LDS.org. Go to the 'teachings' tab in the top right, then click on General Conference. Pick 'all conferences', then in the top right where it says 'English', scroll down until you get to the language 6th from the bottom, in super tiny characters. Then click on any of the conferences, any of the talks, and you should be able to watch it (overdubbed in Khmer), listen to it, and read it (or at least look at the squiggles). A lot of the talks are translated by one of my teachers; they'll give him the translated talks the night before conference and he has to read it as fast as he can into a microphone at the conference center so it's available online as soon as the English ones are. For every one syllable you say in English, the Khmer translation has about 3x as many. So when they're trying to time the reading of the talk to be overdubbed exactly what's being said in English, it means you have to talk super super fast. My teacher said I'll likely be translating from English to Khmer my first Sunday in the mission, because he did in Sacramento. They conducted the church meetings in English, but there were always at least 10 people who couldn't understand in English and so the missionaries would translate for them. I'm at the point where it takes me 5 minutes to form a full sentence, and usually when I get to the end of the sentence, I've forgotten what I started with in the beginning. It's a good thing I've got God on my side, because He's fluent in Khmer, so I don't have to be as long as I'm worthy to ask for His help. I've already received it so much everyday.

I've been in the MTC 9 weeks, and the church is true here too!

-Sister McQuivey

Warning: May Contain Toxic Material

This is my group's last week in the MTC (Missionary Training Center) before they all head to Cambodia. Definitely bittersweet, because it's going to be pretty weird when they all leave and I'm still here. But, I'll receive one-on-one teacher help my entire last week here, which will grow my language ability immensely.

Every Monday we do service, which can mean setting up chairs, sweeping the sidewalks, washing the windows, etc. But for us it always means cleaning a residence hall: vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, changing out rooms so they're ready for new sisters to move into. The last one is probably the best job, because sometimes you're assigned to ready a room where the previous sisters left piles of candy, expensive hair products, hangers (which we never seem to have enough of), and the rule is, anything we find we can either take or throw away. We've got this monstrous candy pile in our room which is the combined finds of all 6 of us plus any food we've received in packages. The first thing I do every morning (following saying my prayers) is to eat a piece of candy. The last thing I do every night (following saying my prayers) is to eat a piece of candy. For real, I'll be so tired that I can't even keep my eyes open, and I'll be blindly feeling around for candy. It's possible that I have a problem...

It's amazing all that we're still learning at week 8. The new Thais that came in last week are always asking us what we spend our time doing, because they're learning so much in their first two weeks that they assume we must know the entire language now and be just reviewing. I think I know maybe 1% of the language vocabulary-wise. But there's so much besides language that I still don't know. Honestly, when I came into the MTC, I felt like I already knew the gospel, so the only thing I would need to do is learn Khmer, and then I'd be ready to go. Oh how wrong I was! I've never been so aware of all of my faults and how much I need to work on. And I've never felt such guilt when I do mess up. I think it's because I'm so aware now that this is not my time. Before I felt like it was very much my own time, and I could spend it however I wanted because it didn't affect anyone else but me. But I'm coming to recognize that our lives are a lot like the principle of tithing- God has given us all our blessings, including our monetary prosperity, and he only asks for a small portion of it back. Similarly, the only reason I'm here, that I'm living and have time and choices about what to do with that time, is because God granted me life, time, and agency. He's only asked that give him 18 months of that gift back to him. So every time I complain that it's hard and I'm tired and I don't know if I want to do this, I'm ignoring the fact that He gave me my entire life. Every time I spend my study time doing something I want to do instead of focusing on an investigator, I'm breaking the promise I made to give Him my time. And every time I feel like I don't need to be exactly obedient, I'm refusing to give him my agency.

 I don't think I've ever put 100% into anything in my life. Every grade I've ever gotten, every race I've ever run, I always feel like if I had prepared a little more or tried a little harder, I could have done better. When we're told here to put our very best into everything, that is such a challenge for me. But it is such a blessing. The best feeling in the world is being able to lay your head on your pillow at night and think, I did everything I possibly could have today. I put forth my very best effort. I have done everything I can, and so I know God will help me make up the rest. I'm so lucky to be a missionary.

I've been in the MTC 8 weeks, and the church is true here too!

-Sis McQuiv

Pain, Joy, and Hair Whispers

So I've been suffering from ridiculous, incapacitating back and neck pain for the past week and a half. It started on Monday, and Tuesday it was still so bad that I skipped gym to nap and see if that would make a difference. I was sleeping on a top bunk without a ladder, and when I jumped off the top, I felt this like bolt of lightning run up my spine. I had to be in bed the rest of the day because I couldn't turn my neck or anything, it hurt so bad. Wednesday I went to the doctor, a Frampton who's from Hawaii and knows all the Hawaii McQuiveys. He told me the muscle running from my mid back to my neck was having severe spasms, and told me to take 2 tylenol, 4 advil, and a muscle relaxer every 6 hours. I was very relieved. I took the drugs and went to bed, and then woke up the next morning pretty much paralyzed. I could blink and sometimes open my mouth, but other than that I couldn't make my body move. It was a tad bit terrifying. My companion and roommates had to carry me back to the doctors, where they told me I was having a rare side effect from the muscle relaxer. Evidently, it had caused a disconnect between my brain and my body. Like, I would be thinking, 'reach up and get that, reach up and get that', but my arm wouldn't respond. Super weird and frustrating. They told me it should go away once the drug had been out of my system 24 hours. So I went back to my room and laid down and just waited until I could move again. That was Thursday-Friday.

The next few days I was in excruciating pain. I was still taking the Tylenol and advil nonstop, but without the muscle relaxer, I couldn't do much. Sunday it was so bad I had to leave during sacrament meeting. That night I got a blessing from my zone leader and district leader, then drugged up and went to bed. Monday morning I woke up with no pain, and I haven't had to take a single painkiller since. I'm so grateful for priesthood power and that the Elders in my district were obedient so they could communicate with the spirit and call upon their priesthood power.

Three friends came in this past week and it has been a joy and a half to see them around the MTC. Trevor Alder, Chris Neu, and Casey Ball all got in last Wednesday. Along with those familiar faces, 2 whole new districts of Thais came in to our zone. This is a big deal, we've got 5 Thais that came in the same day we did and they have had class next to us and sleep on the floor below us and we're all on the same schedule, so we do everything together. In the new group, there's close to 20, so they've pretty much doubled the size of our branch. We've been trying to remember how uncomfortable we felt the first few weeks when the older group of Cambodians would show up in our room at night and tell us they loved us, and we were like, 'I'm sorry, who are you again?' But being in this position now, we totally understand. We're just part of an amazing branch and an incredible MTC experience, and we're so excited for them to be a part of it that we have to restrain ourselves from grabbing their arms and jumping up and down yelling, "I love you! I love you! I love you!" Restraint is not my strong suit, but I'm proud to say I've only done that once. So far.

I'm not sure that I've ever told you about my district really, so I'm going to try to get quick bios in of the girls, at least one a week. We all room together, and all have very different, very strong personalities. So it's clear that the Lord is helping us big-time, because when does it ever happen that 6 female strangers are thrown together in a room for 9 weeks and all still love each other at week 7? I guarantee if we met each other in any other circumstance, there would be fighting, crying, and possible cannibalism. In fact, scratch that, definite cannibalism. Here's the beautiful daughters of God that I spend 24 hours a day with- I'll let you decide who would eat and who would be eaten:

*Mikalyn Orton- my dear companion, who has a love for hair that almost rivals her love for the gospel. She recently (just before the mission) cut her 30-inch long hair down to 8 inches, and it is her biggest life regret. She's pledged to dedicate her life post-mission to standing outside hair salons chanting and holding signs, so that "no more girls will be lied to that short hair is better". She brought a small tape measure with her and regularly measures her hair to see if it has grown. Yesterday we measured the whole room's hair. I'm at 19 inches. She is a legitamite hair whisperer, not because she's good with hair, but because she whispers to it. My companion regularly whispers to my hair that it is beautiful.

Stay tuned for a new girl-bio next week!
 

I've been in the MTC 7 weeks, and the church is true here too!

-Sis McQuiv

Week 6

(My preparation day, which is that day I can email, has now been moved to Wednesdays. Expect Wednesday emails from now on!)

So.. received the following shocking news this past week: THEY ARE KEEPING ME HERE AN ADDITIONAL WEEK. I repeat, I will now be here for 10 weeks, which is basically my entire life.

I am doing my best to exercise faith that this is the best thing for me. (Translation- this is a trial and I'm not especially happy about it). For those of you that don't know, usually MTC stay time is 12 days for people who don't have to learn a language. For those that do learn a language, it's usually up to 6 weeks. And for those whose language looks like spaghetti, they keep you here 9. We definitely need the 9 weeks, the language is complicated, but it's still tough to see so many people come in after we do and leave before we do. Now, in addition to that, I have to see my entire district, who all came in when I did, leave before I do. When you're a missionary you have to be with a companion at all times. My companion will be leaving a full week before I do, so in that week I'm going to have to pack up my stuff, move rooms, move classrooms, and change companions. It'll be just me and a teacher in the classroom all day for the week, when right now there's usually a 12 person buffer between me and the teacher (ie I only have to answer about 1/12 of the questions, and I practice teaching people with 2 companions. But in my last week, I'll be the only Cambodian speaker so I'll have to answer 12/12 questions and teach all the lessons by myself. Yikes!)

My teacher pulled me out the other day to have a stern talking-to. He said that the other members of my district have a luxury I won't- language immersion and companions who speak the language. Even the other Elder in my district who's going stateside will have at least 6 other Cambodian-speakers who can help him learn. I have no one. I'm not only the only Cambodian-speaker in 30 years to go to Tacoma, I'm the very first who has to learn Cambodian (the past missionaries 30 years back were from Cambodia, so Cambodian was their first language). My teacher told me that while I'm making good progress in comparison to the rest of the district, that I need to learn so much more than they do, because they will have opportunities to continue learning when they get to Cambodia. I will not. My only chance to learn the language is now. My companions will all be English speaking, at least for a while, and if I do get a Cambodian speaker, it will be someone who just learned it in the MTC and needs me to teach and train them. My teacher said essentially, you will have no support system, it will only be you. Therefore, you need to learn so much faster and so much more than you have been, even though the rest of the district doesn't. I said, 'okay' and then went in the bathroom (with my companions) and cried. It was a tough thing to hear, especially considering that I have already been trying so hard and I don't know what more I can do. But I've got to find strength to do more, and trust that God will uplift and help me.

As result of that talk, I haven't spoken a word of English since (except to non-Cambodian speakers and when we're in our room at night). It's really frustrating because there's so much I don't know and it takes so long to form a single sentence. But I think it will make a difference. At least by doing so, I'm showing God that I'm doing everything I can on my own, and then he will help me make up the difference.

We teach 2 types of people here: the first is our teachers, who play the roles of investigators they taught on their missions, and the second is Cambodian speaking volunteers who come in on Saturdays. A lot of them are returned missionaries, but there are a few who are actually Cambodian. This past week we taught a Sister Meak, who was probably about 4 feet tall and maybe 70 years old. We couldn't understand hardly a word she said, which is funny considering she spoke a lot of English. But everything she said was in a super thick accent. We asked her to give an opening prayer, and in it she started to cry. Afterwards she told us about how tough her life has been- living through the Khmer Rouge and so much of her family being killed. Many family members left and she has no idea if they're alive or dead. Her husband was flying planes and she and her children escaped to America, but have never heard from him and don't even know how to try to find him. She has had such a tough life, and when we asked her how she finds peace despite all of this hardship, she told us that reading the Book of Mormon and praying to God bring her comfort. It was powerful to hear her testify that she knows she'll see her family again after she dies, and that if they are with God now, they are happy.
 It really struck me that the Cambodian people have been through so much. Our teachers told us that every person we teach will know someone personally who they lost in the Khmer Rouge, considering that 2 million people died just in the mid 70s. I can't even imagine what that's like, to lose everything and everyone, and to have to escape to a weird country and start over. But I don't need to know what that's like, because I know that Jesus Christ does. When he performed the atonement, He experienced everything we've ever felt and have yet to go through. What a great blessing it is that I have the opportunity to share this message with the Cambodian people of Tacoma. That's why it's so worth it that I work my butt off to learn this language. Because if I do so, I will be able to communicate to people that Jesus Christ understands, that He loves us, and that He wants us to live with Him and God and our families again after this life. I saw how important that message is to Sister Meak, and I will do anything it takes to be able to share it with others.

I've been in the MTC 6 weeks, and the church is true here too!

Much love,

-Sister McQuiv